blackstarmoon

New Moon Magic

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 22:53:17 GMT

Tonight is the New Moon for August and I ask that all negative energy, thoughts, and wishes be drawn from me and those I love. Empty our spirits of the darkness and leave us ready to be filled with your beautiful light as you begin your journey back to full. Take away our challenges and allow room for hope. Take away our pain and allow for healing. Take away hate and leave space for abundant love. With harm to none and benefit for all.

Words to Live By

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 14:12:34 GMT

From Random Quotes             http://quotationspage.com/random.php3

The farther behind I leave the past, the closer I am to forging my own character.    Isabelle Eberhardt

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.   Mark Twain

You've got to be original, because if you're like someone else, what do they need you for? Bernadette Peters

Be on the alert to recognize your prime at whatever time of your life it may occur. Muriel Spark

Many people think that if they were only in some other place, or had some other job, they would be happy. Well, that is doubtful. So get as much happiness out of what you are doing as you can and don't put off being happy until some future date.    Dale Carnegie

If you would cure anger, do not feed it. Say to yourself: 'I used to be angry every day; then every other day; now only every third or fourth day.'   When you reach thirty days offer a sacrifice of thanksgiving to the gods.   Epictetus

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.    Soren Kierkegaard

If the people who make the decisions are the people who will also bear the consequences of those decisions, perhaps better decisions will result.    John Abrams

You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you. John Wooden

There is only one you.... Don't you dare change just because you're outnumbered! Charles Swindoll

Nick Black Music from TrueAnthem

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:17:34 GMT

Affirm and Reaffirm

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 06:09:30 GMT

Once again I ask that the power of the spell for Josh continue to grow stronger. Please continue to remove all obstacles from his way. Bless him in all areas of his life. With harm to none and blessing to all.

Someone made me feel loved today!

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 03:00:55 GMT

I'm smiling. I feel good. The scars are fading. I am indeed blessed. Thank you. Nothing more needs to be said.

Aries Horoscope for February 14th

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 05:49:42 GMT

Someone you used to have strong feelings for (either positive or negative) will appear back on the scene today, either via email or voice mail. Their allure is undeniable, although you don't know if you are ready to reconnect. Wait until you know more about how you feel. This is not something you should act on impulsively. Getting back in synch with them could turn out to be much more complicated than you realize. Their life is no less complicated than it was when you knew them.

Cold!!!!!

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 05:03:22 GMT

After chatting with K, I worked some on my part of the story. It'll be interesting to see how things all fit together. Have to remember to ask her if we'll have anything to review for the next newsletter. Since I'm still not sleeping, it would make sense to keep a notebook near the loveseat. Have another idea for an article. I need to jot down the stuff for the first so I don't lose it now that my brain is beginning to kick into overdrive on the next one. Feast or famine, I guess, but they look like they'll work together pretty well. Getting the basics down might point to another related area for a series. It would be great if I can think of four related topics so there would be one for each equinox and solstice. I'll run the idea past her - maybe we can brainstorm.

Dear Remus....

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 05:40:19 GMT

I left this one unlocked for now to remind you that once I friend you here, the things you read marked for 'friends only' are what they are. You and I have already worked through the things that I wrote about here. They're past or processed for the time and are strictly my emotional response at the moment. The earlier entries are unlocked because they were less connected to the things that became more sensitive. If you have the interest or are really bored, go ahead and read those. You're mentioned a few times - referenced as J. Let me tell you it sucks ass to go back and change the settings on each entry so I re-read a lot of things as I went along. Interesting that you can actually watch the progressions we went through starting around November. Feel free to ask me about anything you read but please try to remember that I'm giving you access to this so you can learn something not to give you anything to be concerned about. I think you'll see that I wrestled with a lot of things trying to be sure that I remembered what was really important. I hope I did. Love you!

Now...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:00:27 GMT

I'm telling him things I've never told anyone before. What is going on with me? Where is this connection coming from? When I'm thinking straight, I know my primary feeling is to listen to what he needs to say. But then we start walking down that path again as if we've been there before. And it's not a parent/child path at all. He's lighting this flame (jeez another reference to burning) inside of me that I don't remember feeling before. Maybe it's the fire part that I'm supposed to be paying attention to.

Dumbledore is gay

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 05:12:03 GMT

So Dumbledore can be gay but Sirius and Remus can't?? Aaaarghhh.....

Tired and frustrated

Sat, 20 Oct 2007 03:18:25 GMT

And I didn't even bring work home. What a concept! I've been so tired, I just need to zone for a bit. Still need some serious time off, but not yet, I think.
Some things have been in stasis for so long, it doesn't feel as if it will ever move. Other things are in constant motion and there's no time to react or adjust before the next wave. It would be nice to not have to worry about things for just a bit.

Day after E's birthday

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 04:56:57 GMT

Dinner tonight at a really good Italian place. Twenty five years!! Who would ever believe it? Seems like yesterday that we brought her home. Wouldn't have missed a second of it all. Here's hoping her life is a full and happy one!!

And yet another visit from the ghost

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 04:28:51 GMT

I don't hear from him in between, but then he appears from nowhere with a stack of bills that have been accumulating. Why? If he's dropped them off, why do I have a stack of about twenty that have obviously been collecting since God knows when. I'm so sick of this and so resentful that my mother saddled me with this BS. The last jab, I guess, before she lost her faculties. I have so much to worry about without adding this into the mix. It's all I can do from day to day to just stay on an even keel. Trying to handle all of the things going on at work and then discovering that at least one of the people I supervise is making pretty much the same as I am. That sucks since I'm the one that is ultimately responsible if things don't go right. And still no job and no interviews on the horizon. I want to cry and throw things but I have to stay calm and positive. Right now it all feels like too much to me.

Announcement at last!

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 01:46:30 GMT

After months of listening to Mary go on and on about why we can't transition, how much work she has to do, there's no time to train, ad infinitum, Tim finally sent out the "formal" announcement that she's been whining about for ages. Never mind that I assumed all my new duties during the course of the past several months and have already found errors in what she's been doing for the last three years. The transition is now official and so we'll see whether we move forward or spend more time complaining about things that won't change. There won't be raises or pay adjustments - deal with it. I'd be satisfied if Tim follows through with what he mentioned a couple months ago and gives me a director's title. The title will look so much better on a resume and I might as well have that if I can't have extra cash every paycheck. Keeping fingers crossed and hoping that good things will begin to come around once more.

So tired of it all

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 01:50:22 GMT

Another day of bickering and complaining and still a full week to go before the next phase of the remodeling begins. I dread walking in every day and wondering who will bitch to me about what inconsequential thing. It's inconvenient, but it's not forever. By next week, the worst will be over, and we'll get a breather before the next round. Still no "official announcement" so we have at least one more day of not knowing who is supposed to report to who. Glad I can hide in my little office away from most of the stupidity, but I really need to be able to concentrate on figuring out the new spreadsheets, learning the new parts of my job, and coming up with a timetable for the team to be working on each part. Not to mention really needing a few days of real vacation, not just the stopgap kind. I so want to be able to go away for a bit, but with the unemployment thing going on, I don't dare even think about that. The Wizard Rock getaway in October would be awesome, but I just can't justify the expense right now.
Forget about it for now. Can't be helped. So what to get E for her 25th birthday? I want to do something special, but what? Send me a sign, Universe.

Mentally tired or physically tired?

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 03:15:15 GMT

So which is it? I slept pretty much through the night, got up and moved to the loveseat, slept till about 11 am. Why still so tired? Has to be more than physical, I think. When you are pressured from all sides with no place to find respite, something begins to crack.
The biggest struggle right now is to remain positive. I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want to be one of the complainers who never has a suggestion to make things better. When I think back to earlier times when I felt like a victim, I realize that I made myself the victim. I have a choice now to behave as a strong person. The real test will be if things continue without changing, or if they get worse, will I still be able to find inner strength? All I can do is try.

Life and the meaning of

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 04:03:16 GMT

So things are still rolling along at an abysmally slow pace at work. Still no real transition in spite of the blow up by the boss a few weeks back. My team is ready to go and waiting only on the final turn over of duties to the other supervisor. What is the hold up? You move forward and things go on. What is the point of complaining about the lack of a raise? No one is getting one so why are you so special? My last real adjustment for a change in position was six years ago from my first boss at this place. Should I be complaining every single day about how unfair it is? I have a job which is more than others might say. Just freakin' do it already!
Had a bad spell last week where I just couldn't find my center. It felt as if I'd hit a brick wall and was completely stunned. Took a mental health day which helped more than I thought it would and surely underscored the fact that I need to take more time off more consistently. Hopefully that will be easier now that we're really caught up and pretty much working real time or just about. Of course, that will change next week when we're uprooted again for new carpeting. Maybe I should work from home for a couple of days. That would be better than sitting on my thumbs while I'm between offices.
Still no movement on the unemployment situation either. Hopefully he'll find something soon, but it's getting worrisome for me. I wish he was at least getting some interviews, but other than the one a few weeks ago, there hasn't been anything. Come on, Universe, I'm trusting in you.

Sigh.....It's all over

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 02:31:05 GMT

Well, I guess it won't ever really be over as long as it's still in our hearts (as Sirius said). The Harry Potter phenomenon was the longest, strangest, most wonderful ride I've been on in ages. The end was solid, but I choked on the Remus/Tonks thing. She didn't need to do that and to cram it down our throats was downright hurtful. Oh well, Remus and Sirius still love each other in my little world. I wanted Tonks to hook up with Charlie W because they were more suited personality-wise. Yeah, right, like these people are real. (Well, they are, says the little voice in my head)
It was awesome to be part of the Countdown to Midnight, dressing up, and just being with the people who get it. That's what made the whole experience so great. All those people reading the same book at the same time all over the world. How amazing is that? Talk about uniting the world - that's real power. Too bad we can't unite over other things like, oh, say, peace.
Picking up now where I left off. Still no change in the job hunt. I hope something comes up soon before I really have to start panicking. So far I've been pretty good about keeping positive about everything, but if it goes on for too long, I don't know if I'll be able to keep doing it. We're still wrestling with the contract issues at work. I have to hope that things will be all right at the agency so we can get through this.
No change with mom either. I just don't know what we're going to do if the cash runs out and he's still just as unresponsive and unconcerned as ever. How can someone do that?
J lost his job and is sounding very depressed and angry again. I hope he finds his way. Just wish I could find some way to help him even though he's so far away. I wonder if he ever got any encouragement with the things he wanted to do or if he was always told his ideas weren't good enough. It's hard growing up with that. My mom was a master at telling us how disappointing we were. No wonder I pulled away so much when I was in high school and college. No wonder I never told her the things that happened to me. The only thing I can thank her for is that I tried to do better for E.

Nothing interesting going on

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 03:23:48 GMT

Worked until 11:30 last night on the preliminary part of our contract for the next year. So strange that the year started 7/1 but we still aren't complete. Anyway, took most of today and I hope the info is good enough to not have to do it again.
One more week to go until the cuzzes come in. Looking forward to the visit since it's been six years (!) since we last saw each other. Too long. Wish the circumstances were better on the job front but I can't let that spoil the very short time we'll have to visit. They've been planning to come up since the last HP book release just to be able to join in the festivities in Oak Park. Can't wait to see the movie, but I'm hearing mixed responses. Sounds like it will be wonderful on a movie level but incomplete from the story level. As usual, I suppose. Some people are saying that Yates has alluded to the R/S undertone that just seems so comfortable and so real. They are one of the few male/male couplings that I've really felt worked with canon characters. Most of the time when you read slash stories, one character always becomes feminized to the point that you can't even recognize him anymore. That, of course, changes him to where it isn't the character you originally liked. Mixed feelings about the last book, too. It's been wonderfully agonizing to have each new book to look forward to for so many years now. I know I'll go back and re-read the series many more times trying to pick up nuances I missed the first hundred times through and knowing the ending will help to see where the earliest seeds might have been planted. Wow!!
Still no movement on a new job. Hope it's just the holiday aftermath that is causing the delay. It would just be nice if he had some interviews so that he knows that there are places out there that might be interested in him. Still trying to be positive.
Also no change in the mom situation. Big brother is still flying under the radar and only getting in touch with family when he wants something. I just wish I had a clear idea of what we're going to do if the money runs out before she does.
Guess that brings me up to date for now. This does help some to get rid of the buzzing thoughts in my head. Someday I might actually get down to the real thing and put some of my hundreds of pages of story out where someone else in the world might see it.

Positive thinking yields positive results

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 06:26:04 GMT

That's the mantra that I have to remember. I must trust that things will get better. One of these jobs will come through and we'll be fine. In the meantime, there are so many positives that I need to see this as a blessing in disguise. Sometimes the only way to get a better job is to be forced to look for one. I'm asking the universe to provide the right job. I'm grateful that we were able to finish putting E through school and there are no student loans to contend with. We've been blessed in many ways and I believe the blessings will continue as long as we meet this challenge with good intentions.

Does it ever end?

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 03:49:26 GMT

So now, after spending weeks doing nothing but prepare for the new fiscal year at work as well as trying to get Mom's needs taken care of, another thing to stress about. D's job was eliminated effective this Monday. The good thing is that he'll get some severance, but now I'm the only working person here. Never had to be that before. I guess it's to show that I can handle things that come up, but come on, can't we just get a bit more settled in the other areas? Hopefully, he'll be able to find something soon. It would be so nice if he was able to get another job and we'd be able to bank the severance pay for the retirement fund. Keeping fingers crossed.
The trainings seemed to go well. Glad that part is over now, and we can get on with making the changes we have to make. Have to admit that I like being part of the presenting team. Can't believe that I'd be able to say that since I absolutely hated talking in front of groups before. I guess that does prove that I can learn to do new things. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm lucky to work with a lot of people who make something like that tolerable. There are always a few who aren't quite so easy to like, but for the most part, they're a good group.
The kids are coming tomorrow to help haul the donations to the drop off. Then I should be able to move a few more things out to sort. Maybe this will get done yet.
Later!!

One down and one to go

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 04:46:06 GMT

The first training day went well, I think. It wasn't a large group which made it easier to handle. I still don't like presenting to a group of people, but I do think I'm getting better - either at doing it or hiding my anxiety. Not sure it matters which, right? Now there's just the Friday training to get through. After that, maybe we can start moving back towards normal.
Have to say that I'm getting worried about J. I hope he's out doing something and having fun with his friends. He sometimes sounds so lonely that it breaks my heart. It amazes me that my feelings about him are so similar to the ones I have about my own daughter. God only knows where that's coming from. Maybe from losing the other child I should have had. It's not as if I don't have a ton of nieces and nephews - my life has been full of children. But he seems to have been hurt an awful lot by life and I just want to protect him from more pain. It's stupid, I suppose. There's nothing I can do from here but it doesn't stop me from wanting to help him somehow.
Next hurdle is whether to go on Sunday or not. Meh!

Still busy

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:40:33 GMT

Three more off-site days this week and two of them are going to be spent training staff on procedures that haven't even been finalized yet. Should be fun. Can't wait to see what kind of questions get asked.
Will have three new books to review so I hope all of the life purging that I'm doing will have some effect on my creativity. One book is about Lucid Dreaming, the second is on inviting Celtic and Nordic goddesses into your life and the third is on communicating with specific angels. I hope they're as interesting as they sound. I'll have to think about the article on sacred spaces that I was hoping to do. Just have to figure out what it should contain.
E seems serious about trying to start our own business. Could be fun working my daughter and it could be hard. But it would be nice to see whether we could actually turn our ideas into reality and then get them to sell.
No real word on mom. The family is getting together for the holiday and I'm still reluctant to join in. I just don't want to get into any kind of confrontation regarding the money that my brother thinks he's owed. I really hate this.

Busy times

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 02:26:44 GMT

Constant motion but no real progress. Busy with work. Busy with mom business. Busy trying to get ready for the big HP visit from down south.
Well I guess there is some progress. E has been coming over regularly to help me go through things to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. It's easy for her to purge and not feel emotionally attached, and I am too emotionally invested in physical memories. Weird how a mother and daughter can be so different, but I hold on to things because my mom would get rid of our stuff while we were at school. E never had to worry that she'd come home to find that some treasure was gone. So I learn from her. Maybe once it's done, I'll have some room in my head for other things.
Brought mom's bills up to date as best I can. Hopefully a miracle will happen and I'll figure out how to get her taken care of for the long haul if she's around for the duration. Still not sure how she's doing. She'll be a bit peppy one time then really down the next. Not sure what to think.
Off site three days this week which creates havoc in the day to day of work life. Went in today for hours to try to get a jump on tomorrow so I can hopefully close things out and get the team on to the next month. I can't figure out how I have so much to do all the time when I have two people helping me. Actually I do know. It's because I keep getting more handed to me. Wouldn't it be nice if some money got handed to me, too?

Time to bring things up to date...again

Sat, 26 May 2007 06:17:40 GMT

So the latest thing is that big brother popped up out of the blue after 2.5 months, dropped off a box of bills for mom that haven't been paid since God was a teenager, and an expense sheet for things he thinks he should be reimbursed for. Now let me get this straight: Hasn't worked for over three years, has 'accepted' gifts from Mom of $51,000 between 12/04 and 1/06, used another $80,000 of her money to put a down payment on a house for him to move in with her (only his name on the deed, not hers), and used another $11,000 of her money between 8/06 and 11/06 when she went into the nursing home. Wants $12,000+ for his expenses for her during that same three month period and has refinanced the house he just bought and pulled out $30,000 from that. Now I'm supposed to pay the nursing home from what's left. I have $19,000+ already owed to them that I have to pay so they don't toss her out, and at the monthly fee, the money that's left will run out in about 2 years. And my brother is the victim. Am I missing something here?

Things are getting tense at work, too. The changes we have to make between now and July 1 will require program restructuring, re-budgeting, staff training all while we have to continue with business as usual. On top of that, they decided to finally paint after we've been waiting a year for that. So all the offices are being done, the furniture moved back in until the new carpeting is done when we'll go through all of this again, and then finally, we might be able to move into the empty offices that we were promised a year ago. How much does that cost us in man hours, I wonder? My boss is now considering changing my title from supervisor to director because he thinks that might be the way to get my raise approved. I say even if it doesn't get more money, director looks really nice on a resume.

Still no new dog although I was thisclose to adopting a puppy on Mother's Day. But I don't know if I want to take on the chore of training a puppy. Spencer was two when we got him so even though there was some behavioral work to do, his basic training was in place. Besides, puppies are easy to adopt out, it's the older dogs who have a hard time getting placed. I think that's what I still want to do. The right dog will come along just when I need him or her.

The worst part of all the crap going on is that I haven't been able to clear my head to do any serious writing. I try but I can't wrap my brain around the plots I have going. I did manage to write an article for a psychic newsletter which turned out well I guess, but I really want to work on my stories again.

Guess I'll try to sleep now. It's been over two weeks since I've had a full night's sleep so that can't be helping my concentration.